reset 06/23/99
Our baby factory had closed up shop, but as a family, we felt that we could help children less fortunate than ours. Many of society's problems can be traced to adults living with childhood emotional scars. These scars can come from a variety of sources, but those who have lived in neglect or abusive situations are especially at risk. We decided to become foster parents. Actually, Rose decided to be a foster parent. I decided to support Rose's strong convictions.
We attended a number of seminars and workshops, all designed to equip the prospective foster parent with information and skills to handle the special needs child. Considerable time was required. The information was quite valuable, but we were ready for the application stage.
We had heard from social workers and experienced foster care providers that there was an optimum age of foster child for families with biological children at home. This age was typically a year or so younger than your oldest child. That suited Rose fine. She wanted to give a home to Hispanic toddlers, preferably girls. Having a nurse at home, however, made us candidates for a wide range of problem kids.
When the call came, we were surprised that the agency was speaking of a 13 year-old female prospect. It wasn't our expressed preference, but we were not going to refuse a child on those grounds. Perhaps Jennifer needed us.
Jennifer didn't seem to fit the profile of the kids described to us during foster parent training. Perhaps her problems were masked by the desire to be accepted. Regardless, Jennifer adjusted well. Her background leading to a foster parent relationship must remain confidential. Jennifer didn't have good study skills or habits, but Jennifer was adapting well to her new home, school, and church. It felt quite strange, though, when she began calling Rose, Mom. Sometimes it was as if Jennifer was living in a fantasy world. Maybe it was her way of coping with problems no teenager should have to face.
It became evident that conditions for Jennifer's return to her own family were not being met. Jennifer did not seem to be particularly upset. Things seemed to be working out with us, so after some discussion, we voluntarily offered Jennifer our home and family for the duration. That probably meant Jennifer would stay with us until she reached the age of 18. Then she could go out on her own. We were, however, still in what was described to us during training as the honeymoon phase -- not particularly representative of the long term familial relationship. Perhaps we too were not facing reality. Perhaps we wanted Jennifer to fit in; therefore, we believed that she did fit in.
During the short time Jennifer was with us, she had made a profession of faith in her youth class at church and followed through in public baptism. She was eager to make new friends, and they came easily in her new environment. Jennifer went to youth camp that summer, and she thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Jennifer's personality was bubbly and contagious. Conceivably this too was a coping skill.
We had two events on the horizon that needed to be addressed. First, Rose was to go off somewhere for two weeks of active duty with the Army Reserves. Although I had "adequately" taken care of Courtney during Operation Desert Storm for a much longer period, Rose insisted that I was unable to handle three kids on my own. Rose made arrangements for a respite family stay for Jennifer for that two week interval. She had also made arrangements for someone to come clean and cook for us. The second event was our family vacation. We had been planning for a year to make a return trip to Hawaii. I had been carefully budgeting for the event, but the addition of Jennifer was not anticipated. We were up front with the foster parent agency and Jennifer from day one that we didn't think we could afford to take Jennifer. It didn't seem to matter as long as the event was two months away.
I tried to put the pieces together which would allow us to take Jennifer with us to Hawaii, but I could not come up with a solution. Gift agencies didn't want to be seen giving away trips to Hawaii, even if it was for a foster child. We could not break out of our living paycheck to paycheck. I received a lot of sympathetic ears, but that's about all. As the time approached, Jennifer could sense from me that she would not be going with us. The tide quickly turned.
Jennifer went away for the two Army Reserve duty weeks to another foster home. It was supposedly a farm house with horses and such, a considerable distance from the city. When I called about making arrangement to pick up Jennifer, I was informed that Jennifer didn't want to leave. Apparently some encouragement was offered which led Jennifer to believe that it was possible for this temporary living situation to become permanent. This was never to be the case. The agency insisted that Jennifer be returned to us. If things could not be resolved, they would find another home for Jennifer.
Things were not resolved. We arranged for Jennifer to go on a mini-vacation of her own to my parents' home in Austin. They had a pool. My mom is a great cook. Austin is great for outdoor summer activity. Jennifer enjoyed herself there. When we returned from Hawaii, it was obvious that the relationship was beyond repair. After Jennifer insisted that she wanted to go to another home, even if she could not return to the respite family, we agreed that an alternative placement was the best solution. I was torn in two. I had made a commitment which fell just short of adoption, but now I had been rejected as a father.
Jennifer did leave us. The agency could find no other home for her, and they opted to place her back with the respite family. We never blamed Jennifer. She was an impressionable teenager who expressed a preference. Maybe I should have gone into debt to take her with us. Perhaps it would have made no difference. I am thankful that Jennifer received Jesus as her Lord and Savior while in our home. I must believe that was the extent of God's plan for our involvement in Jennifer's life.
All along I thought I was the strong parent, and Rose was the primary emotional center of the family. I learned from this experience that I was emotionally vulnerable. I could be twisted and torn emotionally like a piece of old newsprint. I was not the stoic rock of the family. I was a paper parent.
People are hurt every day by the choices of others. Some are ready and willing to step on all others on their climb to a hollow, earthly measure of success. Some cheat on their spouse, thinking that it really doesn't affect their relationship to family at home. Some get behind the wheel after a few drinks or drags, thinking they can honor the thin centerline which preserves life on our streets and highways. All of these actions have consequences in this life and beyond.
God is often hurt by our choices. We displease God every time we sin. Sin bars us from fellowship with God, and it keeps us from receiving his full blessing. There is an unpardonable sin. That is when we reject the Holy Spirit's testimony that Jesus Christ is Lord. Imagine how God must feel when He is rejected as Father. God can give multiple opportunities, but we must not presume another chance will come our way. Let not your heart be hardened. Christian, you have a mission, do it while the vision is fresh. Non-Christian, now is your chance to find God and add His joy and His meaning to this life.
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reset 06/23/99